We see this phrase everywhere right? Marriage is tough. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. There are thousands of books on how to deal with all these aspects of marriage and what could go wrong. Psychologists making millions in couples therapy because that’s just it. Marriage is HARD! On days when my own marriage is less than picture perfect, I spend a morning working myself up. Justifying with myself on why he is so wrong, why I should feel what I am feeling. Telling myself it’s okay to be angry. Talking through how I am going to guilt him. What I’m gonna do to make him feel the extent of my anger.
The other day I caught myself mid justification and questioned.. why it is that I feel that I need to justify. How come I feel the need to tell a friend and get her to pat me on the back and agree that I am right and he is so wrong! And as women isn’t that exactly what we do? We look for reinforcements, people that agree with us, that are outraged with this behaviour – with us. Someone to say “Yes! You are right, it’s so unfair. He’s such a beep bloop beep”. Why? Other than the fact that we are social creatures and just loooove to share plays its part. I mean hello I have a blog and share my life and views, with anyone willing to give me some time and read.
While praying about my outrageously wrong husband and guys of course he was so wrong! I asked God to help me understand why I felt the need to defend myself. I was reminded of the movie War Room. (If you haven’t seen it and you are married…and even if you want to be married one day – watch it!) And of course, this is the part where I have to check myself. I have to answer those questions – I feel the need to defend myself because I have taken up the role of judging my husband and his flaws.
That is not my job.
I am wrong. When we got married I wrote my own vows (to be more romantic), because words carry so much meaning for me. I promised to love him. Fiercely. Deliberately. In his wrongs and rights. With flaws. Imperfections. Mistakes. Oversights. And inclusive of all humanesses.
It was a choice. I chose him.
I chose to love him. So my love became a choice. Not a feeling, because feelings change. But a choice, one that I had made already on the 21st December 2014. One that I had made in covenant with God. I chose to love this man, my husband. To just love. Without reservations or conditions. Without judgement.
Don’t get me wrong now – this does not exclude him from his wrongs (because hello he is wrong), but it does exclude me from being his executioner. I don’t have to crucify and remind him of his mistakes. It doesn’t mean I have to be cruel, or hurtful. I am hurt BUT as the saying goes – two wrongs don’t make a right. What I do need to do is tell him how I feel because as my beautiful friend Lu so well put in her Dear husband, you’re not doing a good job, blog post – they don’t know everything. I do need to also forgive him. Really forgive him and then let it go. REALLY let it go.
Because I am his wife not anything more or anything less, and all the things I expect from him, I also need to expect from myself for him.